Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Agassi and Virgins

Tonight, I went to the opening ceremony of the U.S. Open. For those of you who don't know this, I derive from an intensely tennis obsessed family, and I myself am at times an uncontrollable, raging tennis nut.

Before getting into the details of one of the most jing cai matches i have ever seen, let me just recap the opening ceremony a bit. It was a tribute to the great Billie Jean King, one of the coolest athletes+lesbians of all time, though still trailing behind Martina the Queen by a little. Jon McEnroe, Jimmy Connors, Chris Evert, and Venus Williams were there, and they all gave these lame mini-speeches (except for McEnroe's, which was slighly amusing only because he's kind of an asshole). Bloomie was also there, doing his weird metrosexual bloomberg thing, as was Mayor Hinkins and Martina, not to mention Giesele and my new favorite Corporate member, Robert Deniro (both of whom, apparently, are camera averse. who knew?). Oh and Tony Bennet was there.

Did you know he is EIGHTY?

But the greatest thing of all was that DIANA ROSS was there. True to diva form, she even had a COSTUME CHANGE. She looked fabulous, and I was glad she was there to drown out that goddamned Tony Bennet's children's choir, or whatever that crap was. I kept telling Hans how amazing it would be if instead of having Mary Carillo commentate, Diana Ross just diva-sang all the commentary. Or maybe she could be the chair umpire. Fuck all that trying to make tennis sexy bullshit, here's a novel way for the USTA to boost interest in the sport!:

Oh my, look at that A-A-A-ACEEEE.

On to the match. Let's just say, the play in this match was closer and more riveting to watch than two monkeys in heat trapped inside a cardboard box. The crowd was going absolutely gaga for Agassi, but the funny thing was that he was playing Andrei Pavel of Romania. So everyone would be all "GO ANDRE," and Hans Tang and I would reply, "WHICH ONE?? WE'RE NOT SURE FOR WHOM YOU ARE CHEERING. CAN YOU PLEASE SPECIFY RECIPIENT TO AVOID FURTHER CONFUSION?"

I love you Andre!

(But which one??)

Anyways, it was so close, with both of them winning one set in tie-breakers. However, by the time Agassi was trailing 0-4 in the 3rd set,I was sure doom was pending. But then he came back 2-4, and I turned to the lady next to me and said "This will start his comeback." And, of course, my innate psychic tennis ability (known only by other members of the Tang clan) was once again on the money. Agassi won - 6-7 7-6 7-6 6- He might be the only one capable of challenging Safin as my favorite male player of all time.

In other news, can I just mention how excited I am that Dan won the date with Jane magazine's 29 year-old virgin?? In between driving celebrities around for the VMAS, he will go out on a date with her tomorrow night, probably to some east village jauntz. I'm planning on showing up incognito. I really hope Dan sleeps with this girl, but mainly to laugh at all the nasty and hilarious stories that would inevitably ensue. I am a bad, bad person.

Rolando is betting that Dan will be famous before year's end.


tront said...

Izzy, I'm really potentially glad about your metaphors, use of imaging, and a bunch of other things, including tlaking about numbers and tennis. However, where is the food content? You need to think hard about your audience and what they want.

ANNIE said...

I just have to say that I am really, really proud of your html skills. You are already masterful. A++ and if you want me to call your mom and tell her how well you are doing I would be happy to.

Second, I love Agassi for old time's sake but Safin is so CUTE! McEnroe is my favorite asshole of all time too. We should play tennis sometime. I have a pretty intense backhand.

Jeffrey Max said...